It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. Life has been somewhat challenging for me of late. I’ve tried to focus on the positive things, such as finding a part time job when we needed a more steady income, even though I’m only earning less than minimum wages. My partner is suffering many setbacks, physical and economic, but we still have each other and love. And so on. But a few days ago I experienced something that was hard to see any good in.
There’s construction going on in the parking lot behind our Coop. Huge trucks move about limiting parking and I feel anxious driving around them. Friday I arrived around 9 AM for my weekly stint as a working member. I entered the narrow entry to the parking lot as giant trucks loomed over my small Corolla to the right. Beyond them was a giant hole, surrounded by the workers. There are two aisles I can go down to park; the first was blocked by a huge dump truck with its lights on but not moving, around 80 feet away. I started to cross that aisle when it started backing up.
I’ve seen trucks back up, slowly and beeping to warn people. The only way for me was forward, so I kept going, knowing that at normal dump truck speed i’d be long gone before it reached where I was. Suddenly it started going faster, and faster and faster, until it was careening towards me. I stepped on the gas to get out of there as fast as I could, but I didn’t quite make it. The truck hit my right rear fender with intense shock, knocking my car around until it was parallel to the truck, which then continued on for a few yards—it was going so fast it took the impact with my car plus that much more to be able to stop.
The driver said, “I didn’t see you! It was an accident!” I let him know what I thought of that. Speeding backwards in a small parking lot without constant vigilance doesn’t mean “accident” to me. One of his buddies (foreman?) came running around the truck, looked at the damage, and tried to make up some cock and bull story about how I had run into HIM. Meanwhile this same joker had the giant trucks which were nearly blocking the entry to the lot MOVE away so that it looked clear and free. I was angry at the driver, but even more angry at the liar trying to re-set the scene before the police arrived.
Since then I’ve been awakening around 3 or 4 at night, playing it all over again and again in my head. It was terrifying, and still is. Then today I picked up a book I’d partially read awhile ago: The Emotion Code, by Dr. Brad Nelson. It was a chapter on how we choose our emotions. “I know this,” is how I would have reacted last week. Now I thought just maybe it was time to review what I “knew”.
He spoke of unconditional love: “When we feel this way toward others, our hearts resonate at the frequency of love, and we experience peace and harmony within.” He told stories of people in concentration camps who gave away their last bread to others and went around comforting them. He quoted Mother Teresa: “It’s not hard [to minister to the sick and downtrodden] because in each one I see the face of Christ in one of His more distressing disguises.”
I started to use some of Dr. Nelson’s techniques to release “trapped emotions,” finally being willing to let go of my anger at the whole situation. Each day I had been saying, “I forgive everyone for everything, including myself, and dissolve all karmic ties.” Now I was really feeling it for these people that I had found rather trying.
I still feel shaken up, and there’s still a lot to deal with around this situation, but now I feel better able to face it all. I continue to forgive everybody for everything, including myself, each time the memory comes up. And I am grateful that we are still alive.
In love, Phyllis